Failure.

 

Anger.

 

Jealous.

 

Why, God?

 

These were a handful of emotions that ran through me when IVF wasn’t working.  Yes, Ferris is my last embryo, and by the grace of faith, love, and science, he took to my body, and now I have a beautiful baby.

 

But there was one transfer when IVF did not work.

 

I lost my angel baby and was completely devastated.

 

The moment I had to call Daniel to tell him we miscarried our baby.  The moments I had to make phone calls to family to tell them we went through all this time, effort, and work, and still, my body could not carry a baby.

 

The moment I went to sleep thinking maybe God is trying to tell me something, and I won’t accept it.

 

It was a dark and difficult time when every needle, every blood test, every shot, every pill, every internal exam, every modified diet, every time someone else exclaimed they were pregnant or trying, every time someone told me “I know what you are going through,” every time someone said, “well you only wanted one baby, and you have one embryo left,”…

 

Every. Time.

 

IVF is a gamble.

 

It’s a dare with the unknown.

 

It’s the hardest and most difficult decision I ever made because the results are not guaranteed.

 

And I understand that still to this day, with Ferris “sticking” and me being able to carry him full term, there are some people who do not get to this point.

 

My heart bleeds for you.

 

When I left corporate America to start my company and become an author, I had parting words with someone that said, “Go and have another baby!”  And I dismissed them with a smile, and said, “I have a baby.  My family is complete, thanks.”

 

Because the truth is, Dan and I got the golden ticket with Ferris.  There is no promise that IVF will work again.

 

And as an entrepreneur, fighting the stereotypes everyday for being self-employed and doing it with no help, I, quite frankly, want to put my daily dose of risk into other things.

 

Because IVF doesn’t always work.

 

But, thank you God, the last chance we had, it worked for me.

 

 

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